Denial
by Tigeroo
Summary: My take on what might happen in 11x13, based on the preview. Contains spoiler. Angsty version.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing, well except for all typos and mistakes.

**Spoilers:** Up to preview of season 11, episode 13

* * *

You know, I come back home from work and what is the first thing I see online? The spoiler for the next SVU episode. Talk about frustrating... On the bright side, ever since I started my job, my muse has been on hiatus and I've been waiting for inspiration to hit me. Tada, it did (mostly because I'm in denial and wanted to tweak the three lines of dialogue into something that does not completetly suck). So here's my take on what could happen next time on SVU. Version 1: the angsty version.

Call it a last hurrah on a sinking ship (oh the double entendre...)

* * *

_BABS: Is it me?_

_LIV: No, no. It's me. I'm ... I'm, Babs, I'm flattered. I'm just also straight._

_BABS: Oh, come on! I mean, the job and the gun and the attitude? You're like Ellen, Joan Crawford and Calamity Jane all rolled into one. You can bounce a check book: I'll throw in Suzie Orman. Look, believe me, I know how difficult it can be... The conflicted feelings... But the heart wants what the heart wants._

* * *

**Denial (mostly mine)**

"Yo girl, what's up?" Fin inquired, sitting down on the bar stool next to Olivia while motioning to the bartender to bring him a beer.

"Nothing," the brunette mumbled.

"Aha," her friend uttered, eyeing her critically. Her shoulders were slumped, and when he had arrived she had been deep in thought, nursing a beer. "Is it the case?"

Olivia sighed, fighting a brief inner battle before turning around and facing her colleague. "Not really. Maybe. Sort of."

Fin chuckled. "I see. Why don't you enlighten me?"

"It's..." Olivia stopped while Tony the bartender placed a bottle in front of Tutuola. "It's Miss Duffy. She... When I was at her apartment today, she kissed me."

"Oh..."

"Yes oh! I didn't want to kiss her. I freaked," Olivia whispered, carefully looking around, reassured when no one seemed to be paying them any attention.

"Liv, don't sweat it. She's not gonna out you."

"Out me?"

"Yeah, you know, in front of the media, or the brass. I don't think she'd do that to a 'sister', even if you shot her down."

"Why on earth would she out me?" Olivia was completely puzzled.

Fin nodded enthusiastically. "Exactly my point, what would she gain by telling the world that you're gay?"

The brunette stared at him. "Huh? What are you saying? I'm not gay."

"Right, I forgot. There was the reporter, and what's his face, Cassidy? So you're bi. Big deal", her colleague shrugged.

"Fin, what the hell are you talking about? I'm not gay, I'm not bi, I am straight."

Fin chuckled. "Yeah, right..."

Olivia looked at him exasperated. "Buddy, I'm serious."

Fin grinned, patting her shoulder. "Liv, it's no big deal. We all know. I mean, I see why you want to keep it under wraps. _'Don't ask, don't tell'_ is not just for the military. But do you really think your friends would hold this against you? Really Liv, I thought you knew us better than that."

Olivia turned around to face him fully, looking him dead in the eye. "I have no earthly idea what you are talking about, Fin, but I've never had sex with a woman. Hell, up until today I've never even kissed a woman, if you don't count that stupid truth-or-dare kiss back in college."

When Fin caught the serious look in his friend's eyes his laughter faded.

"You're really straight?" he asked in a sober but unbelieving tone.

Liv nodded.

"And you've never dated Alex?"

Olivia remained mute but her eyes nearly bugged out of their sockets.

"Or Casey?" Fin probed while the brunette just stared at him. "Or what about the one Munch told me about. Abbie was it?"

Olivia had enough. "No Fin, I never dated any of them. Why would you think that?"

The man wiped his brow. "I don't know, I thought it was sort of obvious. Your whole behaviour, you're like the lesbian poster child. Plus your lack of successful relationships with men. The looks you and Alex exchange... And you helped me so much coming to accept Ken for who he is. It seemed..."

"Whoa, back up a second. What do you mean with 'the looks Alex and I exchange'?" the frazzled detective interrupted.

He shrugged. "You know, the whole _'if you don't shut up this second I'm going to ravish you right on this table' _atmosphere that surrounds each and every one of your arguments."

Liv's mouth dropped open in shock.

"That's what it seems like to you?" she asked in a meek voice.

"That's what it seems like to anyone within the precinct. Actually, even outside the precinct. In fact, I distinctly remember overhearing Petrovsky and Donnelly joking about whether or not you had to sleep on the couch when you asked for a new ADA to replace Alex.

Olivia looked slightly green around the nose. "I don't believe this... I thought it was just one lesbian hoping for something that wasn't there, now you tell me that my friends think so too?"

Fin felt bad for her and he softly touched her shoulder. "Liv, I'm sorry, I didn't want to make you feel uncomfortable, and I apologise if I made the wrong assumptions. Of course you don't need to justify your sexuality. The point I was trying to make is that your orientation IS your business."

He smiled. "You're probably the only person who had to 'come out' as straight."

Detective Benson looked relieved but still a bit perturbed. "Thank you... For not judging. One way or the other."

He nodded and for a few minutes they sat in silence, drinking their beers, both lost in thought.

"Fin?" Olivia finally asked.

"Yes?"

"When was the first time you thought I might be gay?" she inquired in a small voice.

Tutuola glanced at her, trying to understand why she was asking.

"The first time I saw you, the thought crossed my mind. First time you and Alex were at it in the interrogation room I was pretty sure. And when she was shot we all thought we knew," he replied honestly.

Olivia remained silent, mulling over his answer. Just when Fin thought he was not going to get a reaction out of her she spoke, quietly.

"It hurt so much..."

Fin's head whipped around and he stared at the brunette who was talking to her beer bottle.

"I didn't understand it. It felt like they had ripped out a part of me. Whatever I did, nothing could fill the void. Being with Kurt was not very... fulfilling. I craved human contact, but somehow it never sufficed... And then she came back. I mean, back to us, not back to NY, suddenly appearing at our crime scene. I don't know why, but that first night after I saw her again? I slept without nightmares for the first time in years. I was so pissed at her, for disappearing on us... But I felt... whole again."

She turned around, brown eyes desperate and glistening with unshed tears. "Is that it Fin? Am I in love with Alex Cabot? It's just not possible... I'm straight. I've never been interested in women, even though with what we see at work men sometimes disgust me. I mean, I've had offers. I just... I never wanted to touch a woman that way. And most of the time Alex makes me want to strangle her. But..."

Fin tried to hide his shock. He had just tried to readjust his view on his old friend and now suddenly she was pouring her heart out. Maybe he hadn't been so far off base. He kept his mouth shut but sent her an encouraging gaze. This was something Olivia had to work through on her own, but he made a silent vow to be there for her when she finally realised her true feelings, whatever they might be.

"But why can't I get her out of my head?" Olivia whispered, shoulders dropping in defeat.

"Oh Liv..." He wrapped an arm around her, holding her when her shoulders started shaking with strangled sobs.

He embraced her until she finally sniffled for a last time before clearing her throat.

"What do I do now?" she asked in a shaky voice. "Maybe you were right. Maybe Babs was right. Maybe I'm not the person I thought I was..."

Fin let go of her, patting her shoulder. "Liv, you are exactly the same person that woke up this morning. Nothing's changed. You're still a damn good cop, a terrific friend, and a sizzling hot momma. Now whether you discover that you're straight, gay, bisexual, or simply Alexsexual, that's not gonna change who you are. Listen to your heart. If you're in love with Alex, go for it. If you decide that you want to marry a nice bloke and have dozens of little Bensons running around that's also fine. And if you decide you want to jump Stabler's bones... Well OK, in that case I have the right to knock you on your booty... But seriously. The heart wants, what the heart wants, you just have to listen."

Finally a small smile spread across Liv's features. "You know, it's scary, you just sounded like Babs. Just please, don't kiss me..."

They both chuckled, before draining the remainder of their drinks in companionable silence.

"_A small step for mankind,"_ Fin mused. _"But a giant leap for Olivia Benson."_


End file.
